


Komorebi

by RiseiTekiSensei



Series: It's A Long Story [9]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, I am fandom trash, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route - "I want to stay with you.", Slow Burn, Soriel, Talk of Suicide, and a family picnic, mentions of death and loss, some heavy topics are mentioned, sorielweek, sorielweek2016
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-25
Updated: 2016-08-25
Packaged: 2018-08-11 01:44:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7870690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiseiTekiSensei/pseuds/RiseiTekiSensei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Komorebi (Japanese): The scattered, dappled light effect when sunlight shines through tree leaves. </p><p>Toriel needs to talk to someone... so she calls a friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Komorebi

**Author's Note:**

> For Day 5 of #SorielWeek2016 on tumblr. The prompt was Lost. You can find more information and other submissions at sorielweek.tumblr.com.
> 
> P.S. Technically, this is a follow up to one of my previous fics A Mother's Ray of Sunshine, which I have now added to the It's A Long Story series. But this fic is a stand alone story so you don't need to read the other one first.

School was out, the happy joyfully giggling squeals of children at play soon filled the streets everyday. From dawn until dusk. At first Toriel had been delighted to see the monster and human children run by her front windows. Their striped blurred motion had made her soul soar, especially when she could pick her child’s mop of unruly brown hair out of this delighted mob.

And then... it didn’t. The end of May stretched into June and she couldn’t find the joy in the happy child faces. They all left her feeling tired and drained and morose.  

Those faces could have belonged to any of the other children she had tried and failed to protect and love, like any **decent** mother would have been able to do. She would often catch herself stewing by the window lost in the regret of everything she had failed to accomplish. It wasn’t fair to herself and it wasn’t fair to the children, to her children: past, present, or future. But she couldn’t make herself stop, it was like this misery- this bitterness was bubbling up from somewhere deep in her soul. She would often lay awake at night and wonder tiredly to herself if it would consume her.

 

_...Is this my punishment… knowing that what I once loved will slowly hollow me out…_

 

_…How will I ever be able to stand in front of a group of children in my charge and pretend that they do not make me cringe…_

 

_...Will I still be able to tell Frisk I love them, and mean it?_

 

Toriel’s behavior was starting to become noticeable. Frisk would sometime give her an odd look, as if they were concerned for her well being. _They, a child, can see that I am not myself and yet they still offer comfort… I must be far more broken than I thought…_

Her school contactor had asked her just yesterday if she was feeling alright, the woman had said something like, “Mrs. Toriel, you look tired… are you doing okay?” and of course she had smiled and brushed her concern off.

 

_But honestly what kind of an answer is one supposed to give to a question like ‘are you okay?’. She did not want to hear any form of negative answer because that would mean she would have been obligated to try and help me become ‘okay.’ Nobody wants that kind of social obligation and yet we all still ask the question to make ourselves feel like we have tried to give our assistance… If I look tired why would you think I was okay…_

 

Toriel hadn’t decided on what, _if anything_ , she had wanted to do about her declining mood. Not until she pulled her pie out of the oven.

The pie was wrong. She had forgot to add an ingredient or add of much of something or did not mix them together in the correct order, but the pie had not set correctly.

She had **never** ruined a Butterscotch-Cinnamon Pie. Not since the day she had perfected it.

She threw the pie away, pie tin included. Then she threw the oven mitts and apron away too. She stood at her kitchen sink for a very long time, before she washed her hands and pulled out her phone.

 

* * *

 

Toriel had put on one of her nicest sundresses, it had a matching wide-brimmed hat that she had cut little holes in so her horns could poke out. When she had bought the flimy dress it had been meant to be a floor length gown for a tall human. The pale pink patterned fabric just covered her knees. She decided to forgo shoes, in the grassy park she wasn’t likely to need them.

With her hat tucked under her arm she quietly padded down the stairs in the pre-dawn light. Once in her kitchen, she pulled out her picnic basket and got to work.

 

* * *

 

By ten o’clock she and Frisk were packed into the car and were pulling out of the driveway.

Frisk bounced excitedly in the backseat, they had been looking forward to this little outing since the day Toriel had told them about. Getting to go to the enormous river-sided park was, “The best thing ever!”, or at least that’s what Frisk seemed to think. When they found out she had invited a bunch of their friends the child had jumped around the house for hours.

Toriel knew she had done- was doing the right thing. Her soul flipped in dread of what was to come.

The car thrummed with nervous energy the whole trip down. All thirty minutes of it.

 

* * *

 

Undyne and Alphys had beaten them there. Frisk had bolted out of the car to hug them like her child had not seen their Aunts in years rather than the handful of weeks it had been since their last group outing. Toriel knew the sight should be making her smile. Instead she unloaded the picnic basket and ice chest from the trunk. She tucked the large blanket around the handle of the basket and locked the car.

Before she had made it out of the parking lot two more cars had pulled in. One she recognized on sight and the other she recognized the driver and passenger. Soon Frisk had dragged the two cold-blooded monsters over towards the newcomers to welcome them. Monster Kid nearly fell onto his face and they uncoordinatedly lept from the unknown car. Two other children from MK’s neighborhood soon climbed out to join the others. MK’s parents called out their well-wishes and their goodbyes. The waved at Toriel, she smiled responsibly and nodded to them as the pulled back out.

During the yelling and cheering and excited greetings, Toriel watched two others climb out of their bright red convertible, the classic car was in perfect condition, as always.

 

* * *

 

When Sans had gotten that phone call from Toriel a few days ago, he didn’t know what to expect. He’d been waiting for her to call for a while, but he had been completely thrown by the invitation to a picnic. He and Papyrus agreed almost immediately and Sans figured he’d just wait to see what Toriel actually wanted. He hadn’t been expecting this.

It had been probably the best possible day to have a picnic in the park. It might have been too hot if it weren’t for the cool breeze rolling off the river nearby. It would have been something a painter would have tried to capture, photographers across the city were probably out and about snapping hundreds of photos to get that perfect **one**. Big puffy white clouds rolled overhead, the sky was doing that impossibly blue thing it did sometimes when the light refracted, just right, through the atmosphere. Definitely, ideal picnic weather.

Papyrus had already waved his hello’s to Toriel and had taken off with the others to start their hours of endless running and fun having. Alphys seemed to be offering to help Toriel, but she declined and seemed to be gesturing for her to join the others. Something was… off.

Sans approached Toriel slowly, he wanted to really get a look at her. She was half watching the others start their game and half waiting for him to approach. She looked- like a dream in pink gossamer. And now he felt stupid for even thinking those words in that order. But that was what she looked like… they really were the only words that came to mind. Her fur rustled and glimmered in the wind and sunlight, and her dress practically billowed around her like the scene from some kind of silly old movie. She looked perfect. He, suddenly, felt very underdressed and was exceedingly glad Papyrus made him wear jeans and real shoes today.

And yet… something still felt wrong.

“Hello, Sans.”, Toriel greeted him.

And it was like all of the alarm bells in his head had gone off at once.

He hadn’t even thought about what he should do before he spoke, Sans hadn’t needed to, the words came tumbling out of his mouth automatically, “what can I do to help?”

She smiled down at him. Something in her eyes, behind the calm and the pleasantry, seem to understand what he had meant, but all she did was offer him the cooler and asked, “Would you like to help me find a place to set up?”

“sure, tori… lead the way.”, he replied and accepted the cooler, it weighed about as much as he figured it would. _only so much, you can fit in a cooler with these dimensions._

They walked around the side of the huge grassy field, neither wanting to cross into the active game field. Behind him, Sans could hear other cars pulling into the lot. They weren’t the only ones who had thought the park would make a fun trip for the family today. He and Toriel walked on, heading towards the tree line and the gently sloping incline. Toriel had shortened her steps. Sans had lengthened his. The walked side by side.

While they walked Toriel tried to make pleasant conversation, “So, no slippers today?”

“nah, you know... grass stains. they can be a real nightmare to get out.”, Sans replied smoothly. Not that he was the one who had complained about grass stains this morning.

Toriel looked like she was trying to find something else to say, but she couldn’t seem to find the right words to make the conversation feel less tense. They both knew something was wrong, and until they talked about it they weren’t going to feel any less stressed. So they both fell back into a hushed sort of silence.

After a bit more walking, they reached the hill the incline had been leading them to, it was slightly North of where the gang had been playing. At the very top of the hill sat a lone tree, again it reminded Sans of a painting. Some part of him was a little stunned that places could actually look like this.

“Shall we head to the top?”, Toriel asked without looking down at him.

Sans shrugged, “dunno… looks like it will be quite the hike, you sure?”

Now she did look down at him, her eyes said ‘No I am not, but I cannot continue on like this…’, but her voiced said, “... I believe the perceptive will be worthwhile.” And with that they headed up the hill.

 

* * *

 

They both sat on the blanket. Side by side, backs against the tree. The wind made the light scattered light dance across the ground as the leaves shook.

Sans waited. He’d wait as long as it took.

She fidgeted with her dress. “So how do I look? I was not sure if this dress would suit the occasion”, Toriel evaded.

Sans hmmed thoughtfully, “full disclosure?”. Sans could see that she had nodded out of the corner of his eye, neither had turned to look at each other. “you look like you’re pretending too hard.”

Toriel’s fake smile fell, her eyes looked defeated. Her shoulders slumped in exhaustion. “How long did it take you to notice?”, she inquired. She sounded curious as to how she must look to everyone else.

“pretty much from the get go… i didn’t really know what was wrong exactly, not until you said hello”, Sans answered and shifted slightly until he was in a more comfortable position, they were probably going to be here for a while.

“It is so easy to hear the trouble in the others voice, is it not?”, she questioned wistfully. He didn’t answer. After several more moments Toriel sighed, “I cannot put this off any longer can I?” Still, he didn’t answer. She needed to start in her own time, forcing any of this wouldn’t take them anywhere good.

The silence grew. The wind rustled. “Where to begin I suppose…”, she trailed off. Her paws clenched and unclenched at her sides. “My children’s names were Asriel and Chara and as you likely know, they both died a very long time ago… But what you do not know, what no one besides myself and Asgore knows, is that Chara’s sudden illness was due to- to the intentional ingestion of buttercups. They- they took their own life.”

Sans stiffened slightly, he had known the first half, but he hadn’t known about the suicidal bit. Toriel continued, her voice was even, but words were slow. Thoughtful. “I know that we have discussed such things before… but it can be very different talking about them face to face. If you do not wish to sta-”

“i know.”, Sans interrupted. “i know what this conversation feels like when your face to face with someone…”

Both of them fell silent. Soon Toriel pick up her lost train of thought again, “You know that- that terrifies me, do you not?” She didn’t wait for answer, “That you could **ever** have known what I am feeling right now… what my, Chara must have felt…” Now, her voice began to shake, “I have thought about all of the things I would have said the them- said to get them to stop- to get them to try and find another way… And now thinking about them they sound so utterly foolish… even to my own age-ed ears, even after all of this time I still would not- would not- not have been able to save them…” Tears began to stain her fur.

“that’s not fair and you know it, toriel. you can’t play the ‘what if’ game… it's impossible to win…”, Sans said his eye-lights were trained on her face. She still stared out towards the middle distance not really seeing anything.

“Oh how intimately do I know that…”, she breathed on a sigh. “I do not think I, actually, want to take my own life you know… it just makes for an- interesting ‘what if’... I have truly considered it before, but I do not think I am quite that low… perhaps if I had decided to continue to hide from you… and choose to act out- to hide in my own cowardice I might have…  but now…”, she sighed.  “I suppose I am far too old for that kind of foolishness…” Her tears had slowed, but her hands had began clenching again, her claws were starting to dig little furrows in the dirt near the base of the tree.

Sans wasn’t sure what to say, what to tell her to make her believe that she needed to live, that she needed to **want** to live… They might be on the surface, but that didn’t mean monsters couldn’t fall down… _maybe this is what she had meant about not having the right thing to say… how did papyrus do this for me…_

She continued, in the wake of his silence, “As for my second failure, I was so lost in my grief that I wasn’t able to save Asriel from his own… my sweet child died attempting to achieve the last wish of their beloved sibling… I do not think I will ever be able to understand what that kind of love- that kind of bond that they shared…”

“it’s a hard thing to explain…”, Sans trailed off. Still he was at a loss for words. _so maybe you should try telling her that, numbskull…_ He completely shifted to face her. “toriel. i’m not good at this.”, he announced in all seriousness.

Toriel turned to look at him for the first time since they sat down, her eyes swam with tears. She blinked at him in apprehension, “... I understand if you would like to lea-”

Sans made a cutting gesture with his hand to stop her from continuing that line of thought. “no. i’m not gonna leave you.” he stated. He searched her eyes, trying to see if she believed him. When she didn’t start speaking again he continued more uncertain about this next part, “... but maybe i could show you- what it’s like for me and pap… what being a siblings like...”

The silence stretched for a time, but instead of giving an answer she whispered, “Your eye-lights have dimmed…”

  
Sans felt his mouth quirk automatically, even other monster still found skeleton biology fascinating. “yeah, they do that when i get upset or anxious…”, he trailed off.

“I am sorr-”, Toriel began, but Sans interrupted her. “don’t be. not about this. never be sorry about me caring about you…”

Toriel hiccuped back tears. “... i do not deserve you…”, she whispered.

“you deserve whatever it takes… _whatever_ it takes…”, Sans whispered back, his words almost lost to the wind. Clouds shifted over head. Their little sunlit hill was lost in the shadows overhead.

Sans offered her his hand. “lemme tell you a story…”, Sans said after a beat.

“A-are you sure, my friend? I am n-not in the best state of mind right now… I d-do not think I will b-be able to keep my own emotions in c-check…”, she breathed, while she attempted to scrub away the tears staining her porcelain fur.

“i wouldn’t have offered it i weren’t sure, toriel… ‘sides i’m kinda struggling to find all the right words to- to say what i want to say, in the right way… to get you to understand me…”, Sans explained, his hand still outstretched waiting for her to take it.

She searched his face for something for several moments longer. She took his hand.

The curious thing about monsters were their souls. Some humans would tell each other that they ‘wore their hearts on their sleeve’, but monsters- monsters always bore their soul in their magic. It was a physical representations of their hopes and dreams, of their thoughts and memories, of their emotions. And emotions fueled magic. They were everything to a monster, and could therefore be shared with another by mere touch.

Sans almost jerked in shock when her paw came in contact with his phalanges. She had always felt warm to the touch. Her magic would fill him with the kind of heat and comfort one feels when they are wrapped in a blanket or curled under the sheet. It had always been that perfect comfy feeling that being home and safe made you feel.

But not now.

Now she felt cold, almost frigid to the touch. Like her heat, her warmth was dying- was being smothered by the oppressive hollowness. Around the edges of her magic he could feel her sorrow and grief, but her soul was filled with this otherness... with this **void** . _helpless, vacant, forlorn, hopeless._ They rolled off of her in waves that threatened to pull him down too. They lapped at the fringe of his thoughts, reminding him of what made him feel **h o l l o w** . He stuffed the memories back. He didn’t have time for them and they **_really_ ** didn’t needed to be shared. Sans sucked in a deep breath then another. His magic fizzled, it was cool and not quite right and entirely his. And right now he needed it to help Tori. Something old in his soul pulsed.

It filled him with Determination.

Sans opened his eyes. He hadn’t realized he’d closed them. The wind whistled and the tree shook. In the cloud’s shadow, her eyes looked almost as hollow as his. Iris dark, like old leather. She was watching him with something indescribable in her eyes. “So…”, Sans said after a moment, “... i’m not sure if i ever told you about the time i lost papyrus, but, uh- it had been really eye opening to me… in a bunch a’ways.”

She shook her head mutely, in response, no she’d never heard this story before. “welp, this happened when i was about twelve and pap had been six, almost seven… we had kinda a weird childhood. ya see my mother died when pap was just a baby bones and my dad didn’t handle it well. he didn’t think he could care for an eight-year-old and a two-year-old by ‘imself so he… gave us up…”, Sans explained.

Toriel’s eyes widened in shock. _horror, anguish, resentment._ “wow, slow down, t. lemme explain.”, Sans placated. She raised a brow at him. “look, i get where you’re comin’ from, honest. i felt a lot of that too, but we reconnected later on… he had realized the moment he had done it that it’d been the worst mistake of his life… he’d even tried to get us back, but he was a shell-shocked man grieving for his lost love, who just made a shotgun decision to give up his kids. nobody in their right minds would have given us back to him, they didn’t think he was fit to be a parent…” Sans continued.

Toriel didn’t look particularly placated, but she didn’t object so he went on, “so yeah, we grew up in a little orphanage deal, in the capitol until i was thirteen. but the thing was monster were really starting to fall down around this time and so the little place had been overrun with orphans. they’d been short-staffed and they tried their best, but i hated it there so whenever i got the chance i ran away with pap.”

Before Toriel could even start to comment, Sans held up his free hand to get her to stop. “i know. i really **really** do. it was probably the dumbest thing i’ve ever done and this story’s the last time i ever tried this stunt. from then on we just ran around the capitol like hooligans and came back by bedtime.”, Sans acknowledged. “so yeah, i ran and pap followed. i hadn’t really wanted him to come with me, he’d have been safer in the orphanage and with one less body to look after i figured papyrus had better odds of being okay, ya know…”, he trailed off and looked down at the group playing around the field.

“god, i really can’t tell you what i had been thinking… so pap being pap insisted that he go with me, ‘cause that’s what family did… we stick together.” Sans used his free hand to swipe at his face, he could feel his magic tingling around his eye sockets. After a long silence, he continued, “so this was the farthest we’d ever made it without getting caught, unfortunately we’d never been to waterfall by ourselves so within minutes we got lost… it got later and later and we got more n’ more turned around and confused. pap kept saying that we should just go back and finally i snapped at him that if he wanted to go back then he should… we argued. like **really** argued. and he stormed off one way and i went the other. i had been so furious that i didn’t care what he did… or at least i thought i didn’t care.”

Sans puffed out his breath in a painful half-laugh. Undyne had just tried to tackle Papyrus, but he had dodged expertly. This had lead the fish-warrior to attempt to catch the fleeing Papyrus with spears and magic and aggressive yelling. The whole group down there looked like they were having the time of their lives. Toriel squeezed his hand slightly, he turned back towards her. “right, so i don’t think five whole minutes had passed before i’d calmed down enough for the panic to set in. i immediately turned back the way i had come and tried to find papyrus. i couldn’t find ‘im. time started to pass faster and faster, and i still couldn’t find him. i think i must’ve yelled myself hoarse at some point, because i can remember all those echo flowers whispering ‘papyrus’ harshly back at me… eventually, i just broke down… i thought he was gone forever… i thought i was never gonna see him again and the last thing i’d ever said to him was that i didn’t need him… he was the only family i had and i’d turned my back on him… you can imagine, this was a very life changing moment for a twelve-year-old.” Sans tried to laugh off.

The look in Toriel’s eyes said she didn’t by it for a minute. “i’m not really sure how long i stayed there, sitting against the cave wall mopping, but eventually i started to recognize the tunnel i was in and i got up and went off to see if i could find someone to help me. and within a minute ‘er two i bumped right into gerson. i immediately spilled my guts to old tortoise-monster and he just patiently waited for me to run out of steam, before he told me to follow him. turns out the crazy old coot had been looking for me and needed me to come see something…”, Sans remarked a bit of a really smile pulling at his mouth in memory.

“turns out, pap had taking like five step before gerson had found him and whisked him off to safety. papyrus explained what had happened the best a six-year-old could, but gerson is a smart guy and got some of the guard dogs to help him look for me and to watch papyrus while they searched. i think seeing pap sound asleep on top a pile of old stuff animals is the best memory i’ve got from that part of my life. the relief pretty much consumed me and i just kinda sat down and cried… gerson didn’t say anything he just let me cry, once i was done he asked me if i’d ever do something like this again. my resounding twelve-year-old squeak of ‘hell no’ made him laugh so hard he woke pap up. and well the rest is… well, very sappy with a lot more skeleton tears and the first promise i think i ever really meant.” Sans finished.

They both sat there in the silence. The cloud still loomed over head, but the field was illuminated again. It looked bright and happy from atop the little hill.

“so... did that help, i dunno, show you what being a sibling’s like?”, Sans asked as he turned back towards Toriel. She didn’t respond.

Her eyes were tracking the movements down below. Sans could feel something in her mind starting to crack. “tori?”, he questioned. Still no response. The cracking grew more resound.

“toriel.”, Sans demanded. He tugged on her arm as concern bloomed deep in his chest. Finally, she turned towards him. The cracking was starting to echo more violently in the connection they shared. She opened her mouth like she was trying to say something, but the words just wouldn’t come.

 

_Snap!_

 

It was like a dam had broken and the heat of it nearly made him let go of her hand. _agony, self-loathing, grief, sorrow, remorse, desolation, heartache._ They poured out of her in fiery waves of raw soul-destroying anguish. It was all consuming and burning and painful.

Her sobs rocked him out of his thoughts. Her free right hand, moved to cover her weeping face as she started to turn away from him, to hide her grief from him, from the world. _from frisk._

Sans caught her hand before it made it to her snout. “ _don’t-_ ”, his voice sounded raw and cracked, “ _please don’t, toriel._ ” She turned her face away and bit back a painful sob.

He let go of her right hand and brought his left up to the side of her face. Slowly he turned her back towards him, his phalanges swiping at the hot tears soaking into her fur. He could never make her feel warm, but he could soothe. He could be the balm to her scorched soul. “don’t bottle it, not like this… i know this must sound ridiculous coming from me, but please let it out. don’t hold back, just let go… i won’t let you get lost… i’ll keep you right here, right here with me… please don’t keep doing this to yourself…”, Sans pleaded, so softly he was afraid she couldn’t hear him.

Her eyes closed as she sobbed, first they were still muffled choked back things. Then suddenly she moved. It was as if she had curled in upon herself, bowing low to the ground as her guttural keening shook her. They wracked her body and soul. Sans pulled her towards himself as best he could, she moved with him. She lifted her head and pressed it against his ribcage. Her free hand clutched at him, claws dug into blue fabric. Using his free hand he held her, his own phalanges bunching tightly in her dress.

Soon her muffled wails, took the form of words. “ _Mine-_ ”, she sobbed. He didn’t dare interrupt her. “ _They were all mine- all of them- my children- and now- gone! I lost all of them- I cannot keep losing them- I_ **_can’t_ ** _\- please-_ **_please-_ ** _I can’t lose my babies- please-_ ”, her words trailed off into heaving weeping again. Sans’ mind had been flooded with the images of eight children, seven human and one monster.

 

_god! all of them had been hers even the ones who hadn’t stayed for very long… they were all hers… and she had lost all of them… all but Frisk. god… no wonder she had hated asgore…_

 

Sans could only marvel at how she had managed to bare the weight of so much loss, at how strong she was- at the simple unbreakability of her soul. It was her own determination, her own self created Determination that had kept her going for all these years… he supposed she might call it her will to live, but he knew exactly what it was. He could feel his own, _borrowed_ , Determination echo the slow steady beat of hers.

Sans began to feel a damp spot grow on his shirt. He held her tighter.

Slowly her wails turned to sobs, turned to hiccupping tears, turned to hyperventilating breaths. She pulled away from him, her claws still tightly gripping his jacket. Her sclerae were almost as red as her eyes, her fur was damp and matted, and her nose was running.

Sans wanted to kiss her.

He immediately stomped that thought back to the pits of hell where it came from.

After several seconds of heavy breathing, she finally let go of his hoodie and started to sit up. “God,” she wiped at her nose, “I must be a hideous mess…” His left hand slipped from her back as she straightened. He let it fall to rest on her knee, he didn’t think either of them were ready to lose that connection. He’d entirely forgotten about their still linked hands.

“good.”, Sans replied. When she shot him a look, he continued, “tori i don’t think you realize how much you need that… need to actually grieve like that.”

She snorted at him, “I **have** grieved. I have been grieving for almost my entire life.”

Sans just shook his head at her, “no, t, you haven’t. you might’ve cried and gave into remorse or depression, but you haven’t ever let go. not to everything, not all at once.”

“ _Oh, great_. Now that I’ve done that I’m certain I’ll be all better.”, Toriel all but snapped at him.

Sans shook his head again, “no- i mean yes- look now you can actually start to move on tori, now you can-”

She cut him off with a bark of **not** -laughter. “Yes, great just move on and forget them, and skip on my merry way! Ha!”, she spat bitterly.

“ **n o.** ”, Sans almost growled at her.

Toriel sensed his anger and looked down at him. They stared at each other in the tense silence. Sans looked away first. Toriel opened her mouth once to speak, but she just didn’t know what to say so she closed it again. They sat in the heavy silence for several more minutes before Sans finally turned back towards her.

His voice sounded distressed, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it. “i don’t know how to say this nicely, but you children are- gone.” Sans felt her stiffen next to him so he hurriedly continued, “but you haven’t forgotten them, t. you still remember them… that’s what monsters do… we can’t bury our dead, but we **can** remember them…”

He met her eyes and said, “you remember them… so you can continue to live with them, for them, even if they can’t live with you…”

Her eyes glittered with tears again. She raised her hand and Sans thought she was going to cover her mouth again, but instead she reached for him. She brushed a luminescent tear off of his cheekbone. He hadn’t even noticed that he’d been crying. She squeezed his right hand, he squeezed back. Sans lifted his left hand and used his sleeve to swipe at the rest of his face, just to clear away any other stray tears.

The both sat like that for a long time before, Sans announced, “you should make a mural.”

“What?”, Toriel asked bewildered.

“a mural. for your kids… all nine of them. at your school or something… with a plaque so that way every kid who goes through your school will know them, and will remember the souls that saved the whole underground…”, Sans remarked, face tilted towards the ground.

Toriel shifted slightly and Sans looked up at her. His soul almost jumped into his throat as she pressed a kiss to the bony ridge of his brow. When she pulled away, she had the first real smile he’d seen on her face all day. “Thank you, Sans.”

Sans fidgeted and nodded mutely. His soul was still freaking out somewhere in his chest and he didn’t think he could speak without his voice cracking.

Their fingers stayed linked like that as the wind shifted the enormous cloud over head. Their little hill top was bathed in warm sunlight once more as they turned to watch the group below.

 

* * *

 

Toriel shifted back towards him a question on her lips, before her eyes locked onto his tear stained shirt. “Oh, goodness!”

“what?”, Sans exclaimed back. Looking around himself for what she had seen.

“Sans, dear, your shirt!”, Toriel cried and gestured towards it.

Sans just looked down at it and shrugged, “so? i mean if somebody asks saying i dumped something on myself will not come across as shocking news…”

“Sans please, I can fix it, just  give me a moment…”, Toriel replied and reached for a the picnic basket.

Sans tugged on her hand a little, so she looked back just in time to catch him wink while he said, “ **water** you so worried about? honestly, it **tears** me up to see you so concerned with little ol’ me~”

Toriel snorted back a laugh, that made Sans beam at her. _Two could play this game._ She shifted back towards him and remarked, “Why Sans, do you not know how **steamed** you are making me?”

“wadda’ me-”, but before he could finish she place her hand flat on his chest and the water mark. With a bit of magic the water steamed off of his shirt. His eye sockets went a little wide and Toriel could swear he blushed before his head rolled back in a laugh. He sounded a little bit giddy to her well trained ear, but she didn’t press. After all, she had her own appearance to try and fix. One-handed. She didn’t want to let go of his captured digits.

She could still feel his cool magic tingle against her palm as it whispered up her arm. No she truly did not want to lose this. And she was infinitely glad that a blush was difficult to discern from underneath fur.

 

* * *

 

Time passed. The wind rustled the leaves above and the grass below. The clouds shifted and changed. Neither one tried to pull their hands way.

After another breath, not quite a sigh just a slow deep breath, Toriel spoke again, “What about you?”

“hmm?”, Sans questioned, shifting slightly in his position against the tree.

Now she shifted too, and looked down at him a little, “Sans, I am perfectly aware that I am not the only one who needs to share…” Her words trailed off, she wasn’t sure if she should continue or to tell him she wouldn’t press.

His eyes flickered dim and her heart grieved for him. “it’s just…”, he let out a deep sigh and turned away, “... ask again when it’s been a year…”

“A year from when we were liberated?”, she probed carefully.

He nodded, still not looking at her. Just watching the others play some kind of frisbee game, it seemed to involve a lot of posing and yelling.

They both watched their family play around in the field. _This really had been a good idea and quite an excellent way to end the school year. I am glad I did not call it off._ After some time, Toriel stated gently, “That’s in a few months, you know.”

Sans mouth quirked from its resigned smile into a bit of a happier one, “yeah, i do.” After a beat, he continued, “i guess i just want to make sure that this is all a permanent thing…” As he spoke he gestured to the scene in front of them, but she knew he had really meant to encompass everything around them. The grass, the trees, the laughter and squealing, the smiles, the sky, the warm summer sunlight. Sometimes this all felt like a dream to her as well, but instead of pressing that issue she tried to shift gears. If he wasn’t ready then, he wasn’t ready. Toriel tried to slide conversation back into something that resembled a dialogue they might normally share. In light of everything that had just transpired… it might be a rather difficult task.

“... So is that why you have not been trying to pursue a more stable job?” Toriel asked, she tried to make her voice sound a little teasing.

His eyes flashed their appreciation at her attempt at levity and he tried to shift the tone his words as well, “what, t? not a fan of my job hopping? or do ya’ just think hotdogging isn’t a good way to bring home the **bacon**?” His brow ridge waggled at her.

The laugh felt good as it bubbled up out of her soul. She felt lighter for it. Well, she felt like she might float away in the wake of the relief she felt. The oppressive emotions that had been consuming her seemed to have been burned away, leave a cool gentle peace in its place. It seemed to have settled around her soul, flooding her chest with it’s calm… her sorrow was still there as were her years of mourning, but she felt better than she had in months, perhaps even years. “Why certainly not! I think it **meats** that requirement quite nicely.” Toriel waited for his snort, before continuing a bit more seriously. “No, I suppose what I should have asked was, if that had been the reason behind not pursuing a career in the sciences?”. Toriel could see Sans starting to form words of protest and denial, so she cut him off before he got half started, “And do not try to feign ignorance with me. I have seen the way you and Dr. Alphys put your heads together when she gets stuck with something and I have peered inside of that grey notebook of yours on more than one occasion…” She could feel her face heat up slightly and she gestured airily to what had, _not_ , happened a month ago.

If Sans had needed to open his mouth to speak he would have had to close it after that. She felt a little pleased with herself. Sans just kinda shrugged at her in response. She arched a brow at his non-committal answer. “alright, alright. geeze tori. i guess that’s part of it…” he trailed off, seemingly lost in thought. Toriel waited for him to continue, but she squeezed his cool bony hand just bit. Just to let him know she was still there and that they were still in the present, not somewhere lost in the past. She wasn’t entirely sure why she felt that he needed the reminder, but her subconscious probably knew more about the situation than she did. They were no longer actively sharing their emotions with the other, but magic was magic and it could still give off emotional impressions.

After a moment he squeezed back and turned more fully towards her, like he had done before. _Full disclosure, oh goodness I had not meant him to take this so seriously._ “i guess the truth of it is that… i don’t think i can do that kind of thing anymore. the laboratory, researcher thing. honestly, i don’t know how al is still able to do it, after everything that she’s been through… i just can’t imagine ever having the kinda of guts she must have…”

He was looking down at their intertwined fingers, his thumb was absentmindedly brushing across the fur on the back of her paw. “... Perhaps that might be because you are a **skeleton** , my dear, had you forgotten?”

The bark of laughter from Sans lifted the mood and hopefully his soul a little as well. “naw, t. i hadn’t forgotten, that kinda thing is just something a fellow always knows deep down in his **bones.** ” They both grinned.

“If laboratory work no longer suits you, you might consider _teaching._ I happen to think that we need more teachers… although I might be a tad, um- biased in my thinking.” Toriel replied a smile in her words.

Sans’ eye sockets crinkled as he laughed, “pfft- tori- t, you can’t be serious, i mean me mr. gives-zero-explanations-ever become a teacher, someone who has to give people answers for a living!” Sans chortled harder. Toriel smiled at his amusement. She hadn’t meant it as a joke, but she was glad her words had made him laugh. After Sans caught his breath, _I suppose it is not exactly breath, maybe caught his composure might be more accurate_ , he continued, “god, can you imagine some kid coming up to me and being like ‘Hey Professor, can you explain quantum flux to me, again? It still makes zero sense.’ and I just laugh and tell ‘em that’s because it never does!”

As Sans continued to laugh, Toriel stiffened.  

 

_Oh my-_

_Goodness! A professor..._

_I-I had never even thought about that before…_

_Oh God, that must mean he-_

 

Sans’ free hand waved near her face a little. “earth ta’ tori, do you copy?”, Sans questioned curiously.

But before she could think about what to say the words fell out of her snout without any sort of filter, “Oh my god, you have a doctorate.” Her words were not incredulous, she merely stated them as a startling fact.

Sans froze mid-wave and pulled his hand away from her face. She stared at him, he tried to stare back, but his cheekbones flushed slightly with the light blue of his magic and his face took on that ‘i-have-my-hand-in-the-cookie-jar’ expression. _Even without ears he can still flush around where they ought to be… how does anyone have the right to look that adorable._ He looked away from her and settled back down into a sitting position. He shrugged, “um, sort of…”

Now she raised a brow at that. “Oh, and how does one ‘sort of’ have a Phd?”

He cleared his throat a little, for effect rather than out of need, “... by, er- having two…” He still wouldn’t meet her gaze.

“Sans, please look at me.” She waited until he complied, “You do not have to be embarrassed or feel guilty about having obtained a higher level of education. I was not surprised that _you_ had them, I was surprised that _I_ had not considered it before. Now looking back, it actually makes a great deal of sense and I feel a little foolish for not having thought about it before now.”

Sans fidgeted a bit, but the blush started to fade. “don’t be, t. i’ve never really gone to the trouble to act like it… at least not in front of people who didn’t know me before i quit working at the Royal Lab.” He shrugged again, “i guess once i stopped doing all that stuff it didn’t seem all that important, and then when a couple monsters in snowdin found out, they all reacted like it was some kind of a big deal. it took ages before i’d managed to get ‘em ta’ quit callin’ me ‘doc’ and stuff... i dunno after that i just didn’t really feel like bring it up anymore...”

“Oh, you wonderfully silly skeleton, do come here.” Toriel crooned as she lifted their joined hands and used both his arm and hers to slide him closer to her on the blanket. She let their hands fall to back between them. “I will not push you about the issue, but I do not think you should abandon doing something that you love just because a couple of stooges made you feel uncomfortable about it. They likely did so because it made them upset for not sharing your level of intelligence, so please keep that in mind. Just remember, there **are** other things you could be doing, you are not stuck in one place.”

Sans rested his head against her arm, both were staring out at the grassy field watching their loved ones. “i’ll think about it, t… hmm, i sure glad someone likes to **knock** some sense into me from time to time. i mean i sure wouldn’t like to be **locked** down in my job options.”

They both chortled. “Do not worry, I quite a- **door** it! I **wood** be more than happy to do it again, should you ever need it.”

Both snickered a little harder. “well, i’ll **knob** -er ask you to stop, i wouldn’t want my life to start falling apart at the **hinges**.”

Having fallen into one of their favorite pun topics, neither noticed the approach of the party from below, until a small child's voice carried up towards them, “Mom! Mom! Mom! Guess what!”

The pair shifted apart slightly to face the newcomers. Their joined hands didn’t part. Toriel adjusted her skirt slightly and its flowy floral print fabric hid their hands from view. She glanced at Sans, he winked back. And all too soon their attention was caught up by the trio who came tearing up the hill, covered in quite a marvellous arrangement of grass and dirt themed stains.

 

The wind swirled around them and carried their laughter all around the picturesque park.


End file.
